Pent Up Advice

I'm also going to post this.

So I really miss the school newspaper. I now have acquired over half a year’s worth of bad advice that I normally would have published, but now it's all pent up inside of me like a caged tiger since I no longer have access to the opinion section.

Half a Year’s Worth of Pent up Advice


Item 1: If You’re Having a Bad Day

If somebody is getting you down, the first thing you do is go to the Dollar Tree. There, they sell 10 packs of pretend gold medals next to the rack of encouraging ribbons. You buy those gold medals. Then you go home, you put on 3 of them. (Not all 10--you don’t want to kid yourself.) Then you stand in front of the mirror for a little while and rehearse what you’re going to say when you go to the supermarket later, pacing the aisles, pretending like you need yogurt. “Oh these? Oh, well, not a big deal. Forgot I was even wearing them…I had to do this photo shoot with them on earlier and just, forgot to take them off again. Silly me.” Then you shrug humbly and walk away. And God dammit, if you don’t feel like a winner after that, you never, ever will.

Item 2: If you are learning Arabic

Pronunciation is key:

Ana min Ambrika= I am from America.
Ana men Ambrika= I am semen, America.


Item 3: If You’re Having a Bad Day II

Another thing that you can do if you are having a bad day, is find a big crown with fur on it. I don’t know why, but the fur is very important. I once had a Burger King crown and it did nothing for me. But then two days ago, I was walking past a thrift store and they had a big box of free stuff just sitting outside. So, I peered into said box, and what did I see? A big, sparkly crown all lined with fur. And you know, putting that baby on just made me feel like nothing could touch me—except, possibly lice cause why else would you just give away an awesome crown like that? But basically, my point is that wearing furry crowns while jumping on your sofa and blasting T.I. helps the annoyance of a breakup so much, because, you finally realize that that person probably did have an excellent reason for leaving you.

Item 4: If You Don’t Feel Smart

Sometimes in life, you will meet people who know a lot more about politics, the environment, science, grammar, everything and dog breeding than you do. In such situations, my brother and I have found that it helps to wait for somebody to say a name, any name, and then to stop them right then and there. You then repeat the name, like Carol Freeman, and say “Oh, Carol Freeman? As in the playwrite?” Then even if you’re wrong, everybody thinks you know of a play write.

Item 5: If You Want to Come Off as a Bitch

Bear in mind that there are several types of bitch and I only have sufficient training in one of them, as Paige and I were offered a few crash courses in “proper bitch” during our stay in D.C. This type is perfect for cocktail parties and any kind of political event. It begins with accessories; you want to be holding a glass of wine in one hand and maybe a pair of monocles in the other. Then you just want to look around, seem bored and just judge everybody, especially teenage girls from Nebraska who don’t look like they’re supposed to be at that party. Only smile when somebody else talks to you, and make that smile as fake as Survivorman. (Yeah, that’s what I said.) And when you respond to anything, ANYTHING at all, you tie it all together with this one, simple phrase “Mm, yes, riveting.” And BAM, you’ve mastered the proper bitch.